By: Kristina Spencer

Our story of marriage and the military has included words we never imagined we’d say: “I want a divorce.” At the time, we were in ministry, actively teaching couples in the U.S. Air Force about the foundations of a strong marriage. On the outside, we seemed like the perfect team, but behind closed doors, our marriage was falling apart.

It wasn’t one catastrophic event that brought us there. It was a slow erosion – a series of small cracks that grew into a chasm. Matt recognized a significant communication barrier in our relationship, one he couldn’t see changing himself. Meanwhile, I (Kristina) had lost hope for a better future and didn’t see how I could convince him to change in our communication crisis. We were both at a breaking point and neither of us could see a way forward.

In that moment of deep brokenness, I realized divorce wasn’t an option for me. I reached out to a trusted pastor and his wife, confessing the dire state of our marriage. They suggested a constructive separation, a chance to step back and reassess. We did this and it was brutally hard. Yet, even as I tried to imagine life without Matt, I knew I couldn’t control how he viewed our marriage. That was when God used something unexpected to open up my heart.

In the middle of my despair, God brought the story of Abraham to mind – the moment when Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son, Isaac. For the first time, I realized this wasn’t just a story about my faith; it was about obedience. Abraham trusted God so completely that he believed God could either raise Isaac from the dead or provide another sacrifice.

That revelation changed everything. I prayed, “Father, if this is going to change, then change me first. I’m trusting you to either raise this marriage from the dead or provide a sacrifice.”

Complete Surrender

During our constructive separation, I clung to the hope that God wasn’t done with us yet. But instead of things improving, every interaction felt more strained. The distance between us grew wider, which was not how I envisioned our story coming together. I was holding on by a thread when I discovered the mediation services offered by XO Marriage. I worked, on my own, with this ministry’s mediators and they became instruments of God’s work in my heart before we involved Matt in the process.

Through their guidance, I faced a hard but necessary truth: I needed to take responsibility for my part in the marriage. I couldn’t act as the Holy Spirit for Matt, convicting him of his wrongs, and I couldn’t force him to recommit to our relationship when, honestly, he probably didn’t know what to expect given my frame of mind at that point. God would have to work in his heart, not me. It was both liberating and terrifying to surrender all control to God. I had pledged my life to Matt. Really, God? You’re asking me to trust you when you are the one who brought us together and now we’re falling apart? I couldn’t shake these thoughts.

Just when it felt like things couldn’t get worse, Matt told me he was filing for divorce. It was as if the ground beneath me had disappeared. In desperation, I reached out to prayer warriors I trusted and asked them to join me in fasting and prayer for three days. I had no idea what God would do but I knew He was our only hope.

On the final hour of the third day of fasting, I received a text from Matt: “I want to move forward. I know we have a lot of work to do individually and together, but I’m willing to do it.”

Those words felt like a lifeline! Real change didn’t happen overnight. It began with small, consistent steps of surrender and obedience. Matt later told me that during those three days, he could feel someone praying for him. He described it as a strange but undeniable sensation of being carried in prayer.

“I heard the Holy Spirit clearly say, ‘Go home,’” he admitted. “I don’t know what we’re going to do or how to fix this, but I feel like this is what God has for us,” Matt shared.

God’s Sovereign Hand

That moment became a turning point – not just for our marriage but for our individual relationships with God. It was no longer about saving our relationship on our own terms and efforts but about submitting entirely to God, to His will for our marriage.

Looking back, we see how God used this painful season to gain glory. Because we submitted to Him, we are able point others toward God. As a chaplain in the U.S. Air Force, Matt regularly counsels couples who are struggling in their marriages. Before this experience, he understood the statistics – most military marriages don’t survive the relentless pressures of service. Now, he has a deeply personal testimony of God’s healing power within marriage.

“There’s nothing a couple can’t work through, and there’s nothing God can’t heal,” Matt often says. This conviction isn’t just a theory; it’s rooted in what we’ve lived. Our experience of walking through the valley and finding God’s grace has equipped us to guide others through their own storms.

One of the most critical lessons we learned during this season is the importance of priorities. Military life often demands everything from you – the pace is unrelenting and the mission can feel like the most important thing. Without the right priorities, even the strongest couples will falter.

Through counseling, Matt and I often help couples identify their top three priorities: God, their spouse, and their children. When God isn’t first, distractions and sin creep in. When your spouse isn’t your second priority, emotional distance grows. And when your children aren’t prioritized, they feel the ripple effects of neglect. These priorities aren’t just ideals; they’re necessary for healing and thriving in a marriage.

Today, our marriage is stronger than ever – not because we’ve got this down perfectly but because we’ve learned to rely on God in every season of our lives. We’ve leaned into the community He’s provided, from prayer warriors, church family, and mentors to military brothers and sisters. Ministries like XO Marriage have also played a vital role in our healing.

From this season, God gave us a new purpose: to help other military couples find hope and restoration. This calling became Valor and Vows, a ministry dedicated to equipping military couples to thrive through the unique challenges of their military calling.

To anyone who feels like their marriage is beyond repair, we want to leave you with this truth: There is nothing a couple cannot work through. There is nothing God cannot heal. No matter how deep the hurt or how impossible the situation seems, He is the God who brings dead things back to life. If He can resurrect our marriage, He can do the same for you.

Let this be a reminder that when we surrender control of our lives and walk in His obedience, God can make a way—even when there seems to be none.

“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 16:25

Major Matthew Spencer and Kristina Spencer bring over 20 years of combined experience in ministry, counseling, and leadership to their work with military couples and families. Matt, a USAF Chaplain with a background in Security Forces, provides pastoral care, spiritual growth opportunities, and worship leadership to Airmen and their families, leveraging his extensive service across enlisted and officer roles worldwide. Kristina, an ordained minister, XO Marriage content writer, and certified marriage mediator, has led impactful women’s ministries, young adult groups, and large-scale events while mentoring others in their faith and relationships. Together, they are passionate about equipping couples with practical strategies and biblical principles to build resilient, God-centered marriages.

*Photo courtesy of Matthew and Kristina Spencer.